Just the other night, I opened my notebook and wrote everything on my mind, multi-tasking with Prison Break catching up. These things may have or have not meant at all, but these were the things I had in my mind. Mahusay pero magulo. Masakit pero masarap.
I am not a prolific writer. I am a person with very limited vocabulary. But nobody can level up how intense and powerful the feeling I have inside of me. A feeling not of love but a feeling of hatred and anger. All the years of my existence, I have never felt this heated and enraged to people who have hurt me and brought me to this ultimate suffering. I blame God for everything. I know I have not been the best of a person in my whole life but He knows I tried to live to be a better daughter, sister, friend, a mother. It could be that I took for granted all that of being a good wife, a partner. Forgive me for feeling all this way, but I really do. You see, all that has happened in this painful year of the rat, haunts me over and over again like windmill on my mind…It keeps on turning.
I have forgotten to be a good hearted person, I have wished that people banish in my life. God forgive me for feeling this way and blaming this to You. Don’t you ever check on me? Why was I neglected this way. Ok, I have wished to be winning in lotteries and being a millionaire overnight, but look all of these are just wishes, that even if it didn’t happen, I still pray and have faith in you. But why this? I am not that tough and strong. I do not have the superhero persona that I don’t get hurt.
Why is it that even if they apologize and say sorry to you a million times, you still wouldn’t accept it and take it. Is it just me or it really is still there? Well, I have trusted for a long time and been disappointed and fooled. Who do I trust now? My only self….I just have my heart and instinct to trust this time. Nobody else, except me, myself and Joy. I just wished everything is just that easy to let go and move on. I just wished it’s as stress free soaking a stained shirt in a basin of water and detergent for 30 minutes.
People say I am tough. Yes I am. But tough people also have weaknesses. I am actually weak, because maybe I just loved too much. Or did I really…Question now , Am I still worthy to be here? All I want to do now is to go away and be isolated from all these without excess baggage, without thinking about others.
I love my kids, they are my life. However people see them, I love them. I am the only one left to protect them. I gave life to them, they need me. But I need somebody to help me. I know I have made a big mistake in my life.
Like Michael Scofield who’s always distrustful. Ang sakit talaga ha…There’s physical hurt…There’s emotional hurt. Grabe, ano pa ba ang dahilan para mamalagi dito…WALA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ang gulo di ba...sobra. One thing is for sure, I am hopelessly hurt. Ikaw naloko ka na ba?
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